Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Did Joan of Ark make use
of the Axe of the Apostles?

Patrick Comerford

Just as the close of another academic year seems to be in sight, I received an interesting list of Bible howlers from a cousin-by-marriage who is a teacher in England.

She says she received them in turn from a friend, who describes a nun sitting at her desk grading end-of-year papers in a Catholic elementary school test, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure. She says: “Pay special attention to the wording and spelling.”

The children were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following 25 statements about the Bible were written by those children, and says “they have not been retouched or corrected … incorrect spelling has been left in.”

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree.

3. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the Axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

I can assure you, I read nothing like these this year.